USA AA Trip 2010

Hi, I'm Kevin, and I'm an alcoholic. I got sober in Japan in September, 1998. It was one of the millions of miracles we in AA have experienced.

The last three years of my drinking were a nightmare. I had moved to Japan with the express purpose of setting up my own little English language school. I knew as clear as day that if I drank there would be trouble. I swore to my wife and to myself that I would not drink in Japan. I arrived at Tokyo Narita airport after a long 12-hour flight from London. We got the Narita Express train to Tokyo station. We had a three hour journey up to my wife's hometown. My wife went to the toilet, and in the time she was gone I went to the platform kiosk and bought 3 100ml tubs of strong Japanese rice vodka. I downed one there and then, and kept two to drink on the toilet on the train. There was absolutely no resistance. My solemn pledge meant nothing. I fancied a drink and I got a drink, simple as that.

By the time we arrived in Morioka, I was half cut. My disappointed and bewildered wife wondered how on earth I had managed to get drunk even though I'd hardly been out of her sight for a few minutes at a time. But for drunks of my kind, such deception and subterfuge were second nature.

So began three terrible years. On the one hand I worked hard to set up our school. Our timing was good, and in a short space of time we had a viable number of students. I got extra work teaching in our local university. We moved into a nice apartment. On the face of it, it was a successful move. Things should have ticked along nicely. But at every step of the way, my alcoholism and the character defects that were inextricably linked with it undermined all we were trying to do.

I was trapped in a vicious cycle of self-destruction punctuated by bouts of shame, guilt and remorse. My disease was getting progressively worse. Always loud, abusive and aggressive when I drank too much, I was becoming more and more violent and insane. I tried the usual futile methods to control my drinking; beer only, vodka only; only at parties; never at parties etc etc. I tried to fool my wife by becoming a secret drinker, but the only person I was fooling was myself. I took to drinking in the mornings before work. Then a top up at lunchtime. Then those long white knuckle evenings waiting for my wife to go to bed so I could sneak out of the apartment to buy booze from a 24-hour convenience store and drink it alone in my office. I smashed up my office in the school we had worked so hard to set up. I smashed up our beautiful apartment. It was a path of incomprehensible and pitiful self-destruction.

Finally, I hit bottom. On my last night of drinking I violently abused my wife when she refused to give me the equivalent of 5 dollars to buy more booze. I came to the next morning. Devastated by the shame of what I had done, the only solution I had to the pain of what I was experiencing was the usual one of numbing it all with more booze. I headed to work via the liquor store. I managed to get through my first class, but by lunchtime and with more vodka inside me, I had to close up my school. I could hear the kids turning up for their 4:00 class knocking at the shutters. I just hid under my desk until they went away.

This could not go on. I was utterly beaten and utterly exhausted. In my drunken state I remembered the little ad I saw every day in The Japan Times. 'Do you have a problem with alcohol?', it asked, and gave a number to call. I called the number, and was disappointed to find that it was an answering machine. I left my details, but kept calling back. No answer. I staggered home and crashed out. The next morning my wife woke me. I had a call from Tokyo. A guy told me of two fellow British people who lived a train ride away from my home town. He said that they'd be in touch, and that in the meantime I should just try to stay off the booze. A little while later came another call. I arranged to meet the two local members of AA in a coffee bar the next Saturday, two days ahead.

I managed to white knuckle it until then, and then there they were, a tall and talkative Scottish guy and a quiet and serious English guy. I later found out that they only had a year and six months of sobriety respectively, and were as nervous as kittens about doing their first twelfth step. For me, the sheer relief at meeting two other people who understood what I was going through was immense. I felt all the burden of misery, guilt, despair and shame lifting, only to be replaced by a faint but real sense of hope. As they shared their stories, my own insane drinking came into some sort of perspective. They offered to take me up the folowing week to an American air base a couple of hours by train north of my city where there was an AA group.

I struggled through the next week. Calls to the two AA guys I had met helped, as did the long talks I had with my wife. For the first time in years I was able to talk to her honestly, without having my dirty secret to hide. Her incredible understanding and lack of bitterness was a big factor in helping me stay sober. But I later realised that this time I wasn't doing it for her. Those two newly sober AA guys had given me a glimpse of a whole new possible future. I was intrigued and wanted more.

Saturday came, and I met the guys . After a train and taxi ride I entered a room of bright-eyed, happy, smiling and laughing people. It was the first of many AA meetings. I was home. The long, crazy roller coaster ride was over.

I'm one of the lucky ones. I was freed from the desire to drink almost instantly. But I quickly grasped that AA was not a method for simply giving up drinking. Much more important was dealing with the character defects and the physical, emotional and above all spiritual sickness that was at the root of my disease. For that there is no quick fix. It takes a lifetime.

That's what this trip and this blog is all about. My two fellow Brits in Japanese AA both had the chance to go to the last two international conventions in Minneapolis and Toronto. At that time I was tied up with work, but I always said that if I had a chance I'd try to make the next one in San Antonio. I've been planning this trip for the last five years. I decided to take a whole summer to travel in the States, seeing friends in and out of the programme, and trying to make as many meetings as possible.

Due to a variety of circumstances I never did the 90 meetings in 90 days that is recommeneded to newcomers. So I figured now is a good chance to at least attempt that. With just under 12 years of sobriety, but with those pesky and hard-to-shake character defects still making my life difficult, it's a good time to refresh and re-connect with this wonderful programme that has given me a new chance in life. These last eleven years of sobriety have been wonderful. My wife has a smile on her face, and I try and mostly succeed in being the good husband and decent human being I've always wanted to be. But complacency is a killer, and as the saying goes, 'If you're not progressing, you're regressing'.

So in the blog posts that follow I'll be sharing my experience of all the meetings I get a chance to attend. Please feel free to share your thoughts about anything I write. All comments and contributions will be really welcome as I proceed on this long journey around the U.S.A. Also, please feel free to share this blog if you feel it has any value, especially for newcomers. However, do please keep it to members of the AA programme. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation on which our programme is based. In the blog I'll always endeavour to maintain that principle, so please point out any occasions when I slip up in that area.

So, until the next post, thanks to all of you for the big part you all play and have played in my sobriety.

Kev